3.5 Things Your Doctor Will Say Are Right For You That She Knows Goddamn Well Aren’t

You think your primary care physician’s primary concern is your health and well-being? You poor soul. She has her stepson’s college, her 2024 Mercedes Benz GLE-class SUV and her timeshare in Cabo to pay for. She’ll kick you under the bus with her Jimmy Choos for a few extra bands without breaking a hot-yoga sweat.

Here are 3.5 Things Your Doctor Will Say Are Right For You That She Knows Goddamn Well Aren’t:

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1 PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

So, you have high cholesterol. There is a Coach-bag full of different statin drugs that your doctor could prescribe. You think she spends her weekend matching up your specific test results with the strengths and weaknesses of each of those drug options just to give you a bespoke, unbiased solution? Wrong!

Last month, a representative named Heath from the company that makes the drug that she’s going to recommend to you came by with some samples, a sales pitch and some money. Her husband was upstate fishing with his car club buddies, and Heath kind of reminded her of her old college boyfriend, Mitch, only older of course and with better teeth. The bed at the Radisson was lumpy, but Heath didn’t come too quickly and didn’t talk, which she preferred, and boy, what a smile. He left without flushing the toilet, and she wondered what ever happened to Mitch.

So, you’ll be getting “Heath’s drug”, which is what your doctor calls it off the record.

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2 KNEE REPLACEMENT SURGERY

That right knee has been bothering you for months. You almost fell coming out of the shower this morning, tearing the curtain from two of the plastic rings, so you’ll have to replace that. Your doctor suggested knee replacement surgery without even ordering an x-ray because Oprah had both her knees done and she feels like a whole new person, and doesn’t that sound good?

You don’t ride the bus so you haven’t seen your doctor’s face on the side of it in the ad promoting knee replacement surgery. She was having a bad hair day the day of the photo-shoot and looked a little tired. But they fixed it all in Photoshop, and she can’t go anywhere without someone saying “aren’t you the knee replacement surgery lady?” to which she gives them a smile and a wink. They even made her teeth whiter in the ad, and her appointment for a real whitening session is next Wednesday. Her stock in the leading manufacturer of knee replacement hardware was up 17% over last year, which is more than the worthless portfolio her ex-husband left her in the settlement. She should have taken his 1965 Mustang Fastback. At least she could have crashed in into a wall and sent him the pictures.

Some Advil and some focused PT would solve the knee problem. You’re a decade away from actually needing knee surgery, but you’re headed to the hospital in three weeks, and still trying to decide who to ask to pick you up when its over.

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3 EXPENSIVE BLOOD TESTS

What started as a routine annual health exam turned into two weeks of stress and appointments. Your doctor recommended a whole panel of blood-work and a follow-up appointment, because wouldn’t you want to know if something’s wrong sooner than later so you can do something about it?

You’ll never meet her, but your doctor’s college roommate Trish runs the third-party blood testing company one town over. Trish was a mess in college, always late for class, always broke and needing money, but just pretty enough to get a guy back to the room first, forcing your doctor to have to sleep on the couch in the floor lounge. Trish was “the other woman” and the cause of her divorce, which your doctor will never know. Her ex-husband banged Trish in the back garage, inside the Fastback, the weekend of the college reunion, the same night your doctor’s Pilates instructor Juan Pablo was giving her a private session in his studio next to the Carl’s Jr on Highland.

Your blood tests will come back with all sorts of numbers and indications that you doctor will turn into possible prescriptions and treatments that will help her sell the Cabo timeshare, which always had bad plumbing anyway, and get a new place in San Miguel de Allende.

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.5 THE NEW VEGAN RESTAURANT

Your doctor will recommend the new vegan restaurant near the mall, and the food is so good and delicious you won’t even know its not real meat. It’s her childhood friend Luna’s passion project, to open her own restaurant, and now that her father, the CFO of a massive poultry manufacturer, passed away, she has the money to make her dream a reality.

The cashew “cheese” on the vegan nachos was too salty, and the “meat” crumbles too rubbery. But Luna means well, and touched your doctor that one time at VBS and pleasured her in a way that neither of her husbands ever could, so its the least she can do to help support Luna’s dream.

You’ll go sometime to try the food and hate it. But you’ll tell your doctor it was good, deflecting talk about the awful food by commenting how tasty and strong and the margaritas were.